Violent Pageantry I and II

Violent Pageantry I

Cameras cut in to a smart, mahogany office. Polished wooden surfaces glint almost serenely by the light of a tall, Venetian blinded window, whose slats let the bright sunlight into the room at 45 degree angles, creating a hazy resplendence. Just as we are starting to adjust our eyes and search for more details in the scene, a hand presses a manila envelope neatly onto the table, then deftly slides it about 3 feet away, where it is met by another hand.

As the camera pulls back, we can take in the full scene. A somewhat tall, bespectacled fellow is standing at the end of the table, looking rather apologetic, wringing his hands together nervously. It is he who has passed the envelope along the table, to the hand of the woman we instantly recognize as Anna Tan. She's adorned in a modestly expensive dress, which fits her lithe frame perfectly. From beneath her short black hair, she smiles with an air of confidence. 

Nervous man: Eh, he-here’s your letter from eh the Rampage Wrestling-eh.

Anna Tan: Ahh, Johnson. Finally, I can take a break from all this damned paperwork. I’ve never known a company to take so long to respond to a job application, no matter even if it just started never in my days have I seen this kind of inefficiency. 

Johnson blinks repeatedly, and looks a little like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Anna Tan: What’s the matter, Johnson ? I’m certainly not going to take their late reply out on a loyal employee like you.  

Johnson: Well, eheh…

Anna Tan: Never mind, never mind, go about your ways Johnson…I’d like to read this in private if you don’t mind. It’s bad karma to open a letter like this in company. Or something – you know me and my superstitions. 

With a gulp and a nod, Johnson scurries from the room, leaving Anna Tan to read the letter alone, and as she pulls it from the envelope, we zoom in on its contents.   

RW Board of Directors

‘Enhancement Talent Agreement’ 

Dear Miss Tan,

We are writing to confirm receipt of your application to the RW, kindly faxed by your Personal Assistant, Mr. Cole. We are pleased to accept you into the company, as we are always looking for new enhancement talent.

We are pleased to inform you that your first appearance will be on the 12/1  Sacrifice show, where you will be in a tag team match facing two of our hottest new talents. This will be an intimate, 6 match card, built specifically for showcasing the best new talent RW has to offer. 

An RW interviewer will be with you in a couple of days to perform a perfunctory interview, try to seem convincing.

Yours faithfully,

- The RW Board of Directors

Anna Tan inhales slowly, closing her eyes. Without exhaling, she shakes her head with a wry smile painting itself across her cheeks, pushing them towards her ears until she is grinning, at which point she lets out a solitary, high pitched laugh, or more specifically, a ‘ha’. The same instant she laughs, her face turns to stone. She calmly presses a small, malteser shaped button on the right side of her desk, and as soon as it clicks, she begins to speak in a measured, placid tone. 

Anna Tan: Johnson, would you enter my office?

Johnson: Eh right away…

Anna Tan crosses her palms and rests her chin atop them, watching the office door patiently. Momentarily, the door opens slowly, and Johnson creeps into the room. The phrase ‘dog with its tail between its legs’ would be most apt to describe his demeanour. 

Anna Tan: Johnson, you wouldn't have happened to make a small clerical error here, would you? 

Johnson: Yes, well about that…You see I was running errands for Mrs Sullivan and…

Anna Tan: Johnson, don’t mumble, you know I hate it when you mumble. Ahh I’m just kidding, it’s adorable. Really. If you weren't a guy I’d be over this desk squeezing your cheeks.

Johnson gulps, his eyes bulging behind his glasses ever so slightly. He rubs his temple with the palm of his hand and laughs breathily, as if his vocal chords are scared to express themselves. Anna Tan giggles to herself, ever impressed at how easy it is to make his uptight PA nervous and uncomfortable.    

Anna Tan: Really though, enhancement talent?

Johnson: Well eh, the thing is you see, I was running errands for Mrs Sullivan and set my glasses aside…I didn’t notice my mistake until the form had been faxed, eh…

Anna Tan: What were we talking here, tick-boxes?

Johnson: Well, yes, actually… 

Anna Tan: Unbelievable…what kind of rinky-dink absurdity is this…I thought I had researched better than that. Well if you can call a cursory Google search good research. But I mean, just as well I didn’t ask you to check, right? Or I’d probably be booked at a strip club or some noise.  

Johnson: Well....

Anna Tan: And what’s this about a 6 match show? I thought I told you to book me on the biggest show they have going?  

Johnson:  Well, about that. Eh. It seems  management wanted to see how well can you work with No Authority member Lydon Bello. Uh I had thought it would be a good choice.

Anna Tan: Bah, and it also happens to be on the second show of the company by the seems of it.

Johnson: Well, but it has some decent views for the first show....   

Anna Tan: Must you start every sentence with the word ‘well’? 

Johnson: ....

Anna Tan: An up and raising company? there may be a bonus in your paycheque yet. 

Johnson's face suddenly perks up as if he’d just had Scarlett Johansson touch his junk. 

Anna Tan: Good, good. Even if this is a 6 match show, it has the biggest exposure. And exposure is what we need most of all at this stage. Et bien Monsieur Cole, it’s time to get to work…

Violent Pageantry II

“The sound of the wind in the trees, leaves bristling against each other softly, the dappled sunlight of a perfect blue sky creating a carpet of mottled black shadows. That tree, that time. A beautiful woman comes into view, it’s her. She’s smiling, but there is something wrong. Moments later, it’s over. The sun has disappeared behind grey clouds. The wind is howling and the leaves are falling.

It’s gone. It’s all gone.

Everyone has a ****ing love story. Why is mine so generic? Why is it that the human heart is so fallible? Why is it the strongest soul can be brought to their knees by this one emotion? Sehnsucht ist so grausam.

Cliché cliché cliché. I’m putting this **** behind me. It’s time to work.”

The interview

Cameras open up with a near shot of RW interviewer Serious Tony Deluchie, who is preening his tie, caught out by the timing of the transmission. With a small yelp, he flashes a television grin.

Deluchie: And welcome to another RW online special! I am your host Serious Tony Deluchie, and with me today is another exciting, new debuting star here in the RW. She's from Seoul, South Korea which I believe is on the good side of the border. She will be in a tag team match facing Jason Kash and Joe Dobbs, and that match will be taking place this 12/1 , on the same night we expect to see a raucous crowd enjoy an NO. 1 CONTENDORS 20 MINUTE IRON MAN MATCH which is the main event. So, let me waste no more time, and introduce you to RW's  newest recruit, Anna Tan.

Anna Tan: Wow, I’m speechless.

 Deluchie: May I ask why? I do hope this isn't’t going to be another flub interview… 
  

Anna Tan: I just can’t believe how many times you broke Kayfabe in that intro. It was just…well, interesting. Me flub? Oh, I don’t think so. Why don't you ask me a question, Confucius? And yes, Seoul  is in South Korea. No I don’t eat dogs. No I haven’t had plastic surgery.

 Deluchie: Yes, well. Let’s start with the basics, shall we? Tell us a little about yourself.

Anna Tan: H…wh…oh man. That is just about the vaguest question you could’ve possibly asked. That’s like going into a supermarket and asking them to tell you about food. Ask me something more specific.

Deluchie: I…these newbies…pah…okay, tell us what brings you to the RW?

Anna Tan: A much better question, give yourself a pat on the back. I am a woman of many talents, and I want to make it clear to you now, I don’t need to be here. I am a artist and promoter in Korea, and I represent many of the best artists there. In recent weeks, I have taken to promoting them in America. But while they perform, I promote. Yes, I have had my own music videos and singles in Korea, but I am not interested in making my own music right now. So, how does this connect to coming here, you ask.

Deluchie: Well, yes that was the question. 

Anna Tan: I am bored. 

Deluchie: Excuse me?

Anna Tan:  I’m bored. I spend my days surrounded by people , promoting music and travelling the world. Listen, I am not bragging, but Korea has the most beautiful landscapes in the world. 

Deluchie: Haha 

Anna Tan: And I intend to show that to your audience during my travails here. However, promoting music is really a side project in this endeavour. No, the real reason is like I said – I am bored. I need a release, and that release only comes through violence.

Deluchie: We got there in the end 

Anna Tan: But before I get into that, let me prove my point. I’ve prepared a video to show you. This is one of the many groups I represent

Anna Tan gestures towards a large, flat screen TV in the background, and the feed changes to the same as the TV. 

As the song ends, the camera cuts back to the interview. Anna Tan is sat with her right leg relaxed over her left knee, tapping her fingers to the music. Deluchie is fixed on the screen, and looks anxious when the song concludes.

 Deluchie: I, uhh, can I find this on Youtube?

Anna Tan chuckles to herself, giving a thumbs up and raising her eyebrows quirkily. For a moment, the air in the room is warm and relaxed, then she sits forwards, eyes fixed on Deluchie like some high tech targeting system.

Anna Tan: That’s a group called Miss A. Now back to business.

Deluchie: Is this the Anna Tan show?

Anna Tan: Should it be?

Deluchie: You are a very evasive interviewee.

Anna Tan: Why thank you. The reason for that is I believe in slow building. It works the same way as sex. I imagine for you, you’re happy with a 2 minute fumble and a little pop at the end, right? No no- don’t answer. I can tell by your demeanour. You know as much about pleasing women as you do about controlling interviews. The point is this – if I come in with a bang, reveal myself in one blaze of glory, then what happens next week? If you roll on and off your wife in 2 minutes, what are the chances she will want more the next day?

Deluchie: Well, now that you mention it, I had wondered why things were so barren. Infa-wait why am I saying this on air…

Anna Tan: I have no idea. But it amuses me greatly that I can read people like you like badly written books, you are so transparent. People like you – I mean, I can’t even understand what makes you get up in the morning. You look mundane, you live mundane, you are mundane. 

 Deluchie: Hey now…

Anna Tan: Back to my point. I’m not going to reveal myself right now. You will learn about me as the weeks go by. And you will learn the beauty of envy. The sweet glory of insanity. The elegance and grace of complete and utter domination. I’m treating my career here like making love to a beautiful woman. Giving her peak after peak of sweet ecstasy, building and building until…   

Deluchie: Until?

Anna Tan: By the way, what’s the name of my opponents again?

Deluchie:  Jason Kash and Joe Dobbs.

Anna Tan: All I been hearing soon as I got here. Why? Oh why did join such a group of people? Should it be a reason why I joined them? Maybe I joined them because I felt like it. Since we got that out of the way left me get to the guys I am facing in this match. Oh first let’s start with Jason Kash let me be completely honest here. 

“You bored me to tears!”

This is the god honest truth. All I hear coming out of your mouth is blah blah blah. Should we care what you had in your promo? Should anyone care of what you think of No Authority? No! For someone that comes out with the first promo in our match; trying your best to go in guns blazing. But you’re missing one thing you don’t have any fucking ammo on me at all! You have no idea what I bring to the table.

When I think of you I think about all of the other Filthy, pathetic, sad sacks I had to put down like the dogs that are; it looks like you don’t mind being one of dogs. For god stakes shut the hell up, the more you talk in your promo the more I want to shoot myself. You basically did a 6 hour promo and it was completely worthless! Great job! You got me; shaking in my heels right now.Do you think the more you come at me in your promo makes you impressive? Hell no! So get out here with that pitiful trash talking.

After a few minutes I had no choice but to stop watching your promo; the seconds I spent watching it made me lose a great deal of brain cell. I bet you are happy with yourself because of you the audience mentally retarded now. That was brilliant I didn't know you had that kind of power.

But let me break it down for you what is going to happen. I am going to walk down that ramp, step between those ropes, break each bone in your worthless body, ripe your head off your shoulders, and finally shit down your throat plain and simple. I think everyone finds that more of an impact than anything you said. You see you aren't even an obstacle you’re just like paper, and I will tear right through you.

What I want is to create a legacy. I have a long list of names and a shovel. Okay, I have no shovel. I’m not here as ‘Dark character #24342’. I also didn't come to play Pokemon with Scorpions. Or whatever that mess is all about. I told you, I am here to have some fun. And think of it like a game of bowling - for me, knocking down every pin is fun. I’m not here to be the King of spares. I am here to be Miss. 300. And no, I don't want you to market t-shirts with that on.

Deluchie: Haha…

Anna Tan: Are you laughing? Was I telling a joke? Aren’t you a good guy? Aren't you supposed to keep your face straight and remain impartial?

Deluchie: Well

Anna Tan: Oh by the way, Deluchie, I think I deserve a pat on the back. I managed to sit through this whole interview without making a single comment about them both being dropped on their heads by their mother's  

Deluchie: Err…Anyway, that concludes this interview, I really wish this was taped instead of live. May I just say how unpr…

Anna Tan: You’re welcome. 

Before Deluchie can complete his sentence, Anna Tan rises to her feet and strides out of the room confidently, leaving Deluchie shrugging his shoulders. 

Deluchie: Until next time folks…