~And now, from the personal desk of Anna Tan , here is la primera edition of…~
Story Corner with Anna Tan
~!~
We fade from the interview video with a shot of Anna Tan, sat in a high backed chair, rocking slowly on its axis. Her legs are characteristically crossed, with her right ankle rested over her left knee laxly, and she stares into the camera, chin rested on the backs of her hands. Her eyes look wild, as if a rage is burning inside her, yet her face is one of intense calm, with a smile vaguely visible, or possibly not. Her face has all the ambiguity of a Mona Lisa.
Anna Tan: First of all, I’d like to thank the RW for office for providing extended, and you know, actually extended the footage of my interview on T.V. It seems that my interview was supposed to be cut short, and after watching that footage, I’m not surprised they took that choice. Clearly they saw me as someone important.
Anna Tan emits a nasal laugh, but her features don’t change, save for the slight shift forwards from her diaphragm, before it also goes back into its calm, rigid but relaxed stasis.
Anna Tan: I have to give the backroom staff at the RW some credit. While you give all the impression of being led by a backroom of chimps, with all the organisation of Barney Gumble in a brewery, you still know how to do your research.
Another snort, this time more guttural.
Anna Tan: Perhaps I gave too much away when I spoke to your poorly prepared microphone boy Delunchie. Perhaps I am less adept at the art of being vague than I thought I was. Or, perhaps, my opponents have an idea what is coming in that ring, Or I am giving both of you too much credit. Perhaps you expected me to let both of your stupid trash talking slide under the bridge.
Inexplicably, Anna Tan clears her throat.
Anna Tan: You must be stupid or something. You thought I was some simple minded fool that wouldn't grip on to your fruitless words? Dumb asses.
A deep, long inhalation through the nose. We start to take in more of the surroundings in the scene. Behind the tall chair Anna Tan sits in, is a large, marble bust of Babuo.
Anna Tan: Are you starting to see now? I’m sure you aren’t. I’m sure 95% of you aren’t even cultured enough to even know what you’re seeing. Let me tell you, it’s a Greek God, known as Baubo. Baubo represents strength in battle, wisdom, and a great nouse when it comes to tactics. Baubo was used on the crests of the Spartans when they headed off all comers. If you can’t tell, yes I am being ****ing facetious. Baubo was in fact a Goddess, and the Goddess of humour and fools. Just a little middle finger from Ancient Greece there. But let me deviate from messing with the minds of sheep, I will leave that to the big eared boys of Wales who never call back and break woolly hearts every day.
Anna Tan face breaks into smile for the first time.
Anna Tan: Well, if you can’t draw the line at the Welsh, you might as well not even have any morals.
And stone wins the day again.
Anna Tan: I hear all the buzzing going on in the back all about our little group, hearing the nonsense coming out their mouths; But I have one important question? What is the point! Should we care about your feelings or the feelings of the RW Board? We hear your pointless threats, but no matter how many threats you make towards us. We will always be laughing at you sore sacks until the thought of mentioning it becomes absolutely tasteless.
A quick sniff, that barely contracts her nostrils.
Anna Tan: Before I go on, let’s have a musical interlude. This week, I am not going to promote any of my own artists. This week, my musical interlude is here to provide a purpose, that is, to provide a backdrop for today’s story time. So, if you will, kick back, turn up the volume in your headsets, if you’re using an Apple branded piece of crap, throw it out of your window before pressing play-it will increase the quality, honestly. Of your life that is, not your device! For those of you who aren’t watching this from Starbucks with your trilby hats, it’s time to stick in those earphones, push them into the crevice of your ear nice and tight, and hold them there with your fingers, just to enjoy the bass that little bit more.
Anna Tan leans back, and raises a finger, as if to signal to some unseen assistant that the video should play now.
Anna Tan stares into the camera once more, as the video feed returns to her room. The room seems to have changed, though there is no tangible difference about it. It’s as if somehow the hue of the room has altered, becoming duller yet simultaneously bolder in contrast. The edges of objects stand out starkly, and the same go for the features of his face. This change in visual style seems un-imposed, as if it’s the viewer’s eyes playing tricks and not real.
Anna Tan: And welcome back. Is it me or was that a rather good song? There’s a good reason I have shown you it, but first, cameraman, for the love of God, sort out that contrast. I feel like I am in a droll promo right now.
The screen momentarily flickers, then returns to a normal feed style. The decrease in contrast allows the room to be viewed in a more normal manner, and the looming Baubo bust behind Anna Tan seems to become less ominous.
Anna Tan: See, all it takes is a little flick of a button. But wait a minute their is a comment one of my opponents spoke of that I must address the "Gung Nam Style" comment. Are you serious? This can't be serious is that supposed to be the a critical blow to me? B*tch please! I could continue on and on about how worthless your second promo is compared to your first but let's be honest here it is obvious who is carrying your team.
Anna Tan shakes her head with a look of shame on her face.
Anna Tan: Just saying your name is as painful, as having a period and trust me that is out of this world painful. But your voice as well is so annoying stating the same thing every promo like a broken record. What is the point? We heard you the first time; should it matter all the other times? Trying your best to shove the fact your trying be the world champion. I don't understand why your worried about that when you have someone like me coming for your head. I’d also like to express my disgust at how easy it was to take out Tess, but let me get back on topic.
Anna Tan randomly eats a malteser, opens a storybook on her lap, and then continues.
Anna Tan: The video you just watched is based on real events in Germany. In 2001, the internet was a new thing, and not policed so heavily as it is today. Here in America, your government can read every word you write online, and can do this because one of you might be a terrorist. Take that constitution! In Germany, in 2001, this kind of policing was not only unheard of, but also not even imagined as necessary. That is, until Mr Armin Meiwes came into the public domain for his actions. You see, Mr Meiwes posted a simple message on a message board – the kind you probably use to discuss Justin Bieber everyday, or the kind Joe uses to converse with his brain damage group. But back then, the internet was a much darker place. Meiwes posted a simple message; “Suche gut gebauten Achtzehn- bis Dreißigjährigen zum Schlachten -- Der Metzgermeister", or in English, “Looking for a well built 18 to 30 year old to be slaughtered - The Master Butcher”.
A real smile now paints itself across her face. A warm smile as if Anna Tan is recounting an old family story. She continues talking, turning a page in the book slowly. We notice the book is just a cartoon book, and probably not what she is reading at all.
Anna Tan: Isn’t that beautiful? Most people looking for sexual pleasure on the internet head straight for porn, or for web camera sites. The more outgoing ones look at free ads, and the skankiest ones look up dogging sites. But nowadays, free ads for such an unusual perversion would be deleted and reported to the police. Not so with Mr. Meiwes in 2001. Mr Meiwes fantasy was simple – he wanted to eat human flesh. There is an obvious caveat here – he needed a partner whose fantasy was to be completely devoured by another human being. To make a long story short, he found him. On the first night, they cut off his penis, and flambéed it. They shared the meal, but it was too tough. Later, Meiwes bled his willing victim, Mr Bernd Brandes, to death in his bathtub, kissing him and stabbing him in the neck. Over the next few weeks, he ate the body, and buried the skull in his garden. Eventually it was discovered, and there was a big furore over whether he could be prosecuted or not, since the victim was willing, and cannibalism was in fact not illegal. He was ultimately given a life sentence, and is now writing his memoirs. I ask you two simple questions; when Mr Brandes died, was he happy? And is Mr Meiwes content with life now that he got to act out a fantasy that had been with him since the age of 8?
Anna Tan nods, and smiles warmly once more. She holds up a picture to the camera.
Anna Tan: History will look upon these men as bizarre individuals. The human condition is not designed to comprehend things that exist outside the neat little boxes society creates. But let me tell you one simple fact about life that they don’t want you to know: Civilisation is not natural. That means law and order are unnatural constructs. That means morality is a disease. That means that, if you break down the walls, 99.9% of humans today are mindless, brainwashed drones. If not for television, the average person would have no idea about life outside their own natural circle. A human being is naturally designed to meet only 200 people – in their whole life. And the average human is bombarded by that many if not more every day, just by turning on their televisions. Never mind the disgusting hovels we call cities, where the drones exist side by side as strangers.
A simple shake of the head.
Anna Tan: What you people will never realise is that men like Armin Meiwes are not the exception to civilisation, they are the heart of humanity. Their actions are purely natural. Mr Meiwes is a hero in reality. A role model. No, that doesn’t mean I am advocating going out and butchering the nearest human you find and harvesting their body. What that means is that Mr Meiwes answered the call of his own primal urges. The urges that everyone else hides deep down in the cavities of their souls. History will probably remember me as insane, as a madman, for the things I will do, for the so called atrocities I will commit upon the RW But in fact, I am just a woman who is not afraid to follow the call of her own natural internal monologue, her own urges.
A simple shake of the head.
Anna Tan: What you people will never realise is that men like Armin Meiwes are not the exception to civilisation, they are the heart of humanity. Their actions are purely natural. Mr Meiwes is a hero in reality. A role model. No, that doesn’t mean I am advocating going out and butchering the nearest human you find and harvesting their body. What that means is that Mr Meiwes answered the call of his own primal urges. The urges that everyone else hides deep down in the cavities of their souls. History will probably remember me as insane, as a madman, for the things I will do, for the so called atrocities I will commit upon the RW But in fact, I am just a woman who is not afraid to follow the call of her own natural internal monologue, her own urges.
Anna Tan slaps her forehead with an shocked expression on her face.
Anna Tan: Looks like I got off topic again, maybe because I can't stand a dry match that is what my opponents are producing with the pathetic insiders or the fact that Dobbs promo puts me to sleep, but whatever. Maybe I should get to the comments Dobbs made about me maybe the fact he talked about my height? Now I have a question and please be honest with me. What in the hell does that have to do with this match? Not a thing, maybe when he said I sleep with men. Sorry honey but men aren't my thing I prefer women.
Anna Tan licks her lips and starts back to square one.
Anna Tan: But let's be honest again Dobbs your promo confused me as much as Jason's did. The more I hear everyone talking backstage about us losing this match all I could think is that are people out of your minds? I know you are listening to the same pile of shit they are dishing out at us. Do you hate us that much? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt your feelings or something?
Anna Tan begins to laugh.
Anna Tan: So Dobbs how is it to have a mircophallus? Or I could say is promoting Korean music bad? What I really find fun is you claim to be this guy with some much power but have no brains at all. While your over there blowing your hot breath on the camera screen and breath hard trying to make me tuck my tail and run away. I'm will be having a ball enjoying my self in this match up. Taking my time cutting you down in squared circle. Just like Jason I will be coming for your head, that's it! I could care less how the match ends; as long as I get your heads that's better than any win in this match.
Anna Tan stands up, brushing herself off fervently as if the essence of her previous words has stained her clothes.
Anna Tan: You see Dobbs I don't like to call us No Authority unlike the other members in this group. I would prefer to call it Coup D' Etat it has a better ring to it doesn't it? But I am pretty sure you are not going to answer me because you and Jason are having fun being California snowballs. I am sure a loblolly like you wouldn't understand. But their is always Google right?
Anna Tan begins to slap her knee and chuckles.
Anna Tan: Just using big words that you don't understand puts a smiles on my face. See Dobbs I am having a good time making fun of you and your friend. It would better for both of you not to embarrass yourselves for everyone's stake. You see I could have just faded in and faded out in the entire promo and we would still stand tall over you loser. I know Dobbs will try everything in his power to use all the ammo from this promo to work off. Planning to pick through my every word like it will change a something. Let's see what you got B*tch!
Slowly, she walks towards the camera, then past it dead left. There is a small shuffling motion, then the camera is turned to face his new position in the room. She’s standing next to the exit, a large oak door that looks so heavy it wouldn't be out of place in a fallout shelter.
Anna Tan: The world revolves on chaos. In RW their will be chaos, in that ring their will be chaos. Someone like thrives in chaos I am here to make chaos an everyday. Do you know why?
A sly wink towards the camera, as Anna Tan turns his back and opens the heavy door before her, basking the room in light, at which point we notice that the room we’d been observing all this time has absolutely no natural light source at all, and is lit solely by a dull, shade-less light bulb. From out of shot, we hear her parting words.
Anna Tan: Because I can! Call me The Joan Of Inane because I am just simply that Bitch!. Just like I and Bello said actions speak louder than words.
We Fade.
